Wild Hearts No Can Break
by Hippo and Friends
Summary: Against Strago's wishes, Relm begins to see Gau, joining him at a royal dinner (an unforgettable scene, like it or not) and the local inn. Rated PG-13 for teenage mischief and crude humor. Writer: Rhino


Wild Hearts No Can Break  
By Rhino  
  
Disclaimer: First of all, I do not own any of these characters. Secondly, Gau's actions in this fic could result in grounding, prosecution, or even death, so don't try any of this at home. This fic is Rated PG-13, and I suggest all readers heed this rating.   
  
Disclaimer II: Don't do drugs.  
  
"Where are you going, Relm?" asked her grandfather, Strago.   
  
"I'm going to play outside, grandpa!" replied Relm, cheerfully.  
  
"Have fun!" responded Strago, in the same tone. "Oh, and Relm?"  
  
"Yes?" asked the little girl as she trotted down the stairs.  
  
"Do stay away from that Gau boy. He's nothing but trouble."  
  
"Sure, no problem!" responded Relm as she disappeared out the front door. She shut the door behind her and looked at the figure awaiting her.  
  
"Hi, Gau!" greeted Relm. "You ready?"  
  
"Gau ready! Gau very, very, very ready!" replied the wild child as he pulled a razor out of his pocket.  
  
"What's that for?" asked Relm.  
  
"Cyan sleep like stone at inn!" said Gau. "Gau no like hair under nose. Gau think Cyan look cooler without it."  
  
"Gau, you are going to get into so much trouble if you get caught!" gasped Relm.  
  
"Gau know! That fun part!"  
  
The two children tiptoed silently into the inn. There lay Cyan, snoring loudly. Relm watched in shock as Gau moved ever so quietly over to Cyan and shaved off his mustache in five quick strokes. Relm clasped her hands over her mouth. She had never seen such abominable behavior in her life. For some strange reason, however, she thought it was really cool.  
  
The kids ran out of the inn, trying their best not to laugh. When they got back to Relm's house, they let go and burst with laughter.  
  
Their laughter soon stopped abruptly when Strago appeared in front of Relm. His face was red with rage.  
  
"Relm!" demanded Strago, "I thought I told you to stay away from that wild animal!"  
  
"Sorry, Grandpa," responded Relm sweetly.  
  
"Sorry doesn't cut it!" declared the angry old man. "You're grounded for a week!"  
  
With that, he dragged his granddaughter inside and slammed the door shut.  
  
*****  
  
"Aaarrrrgh!"  
  
Terra sprang up from the shade she had been sitting under. "That came from the inn!" she exclaimed. She ran over to the inn as fast as she could. She was worried; the last time she heard a scream on an otherwise peaceful day, a brave general was killed.  
  
Finally, she got to the inn and cautiously opened the door. There was Cyan, with his head in his hands.  
  
"Cyan!" cried Terra frantically. "What happened?"  
  
"The children………….."  
  
Terra let out a gasp of horror. She loved children more than anything. She couldn't bear to see something happen to one of the children. "What happened to the children?"  
  
"Look what they did!" moaned Cyan.   
  
He slowly moved his hands away from his mouth. Terra gasped as she noticed his mustache was gone. Suddenly, all of Terra's fear was gone, and a grin appeared on her face.   
  
"My face be ruined!" cried Cyan.  
  
"I like it," said Terra. "It makes you look at least fifteen years younger."  
  
"Really? Thou find it acceptable?"  
  
"Yeah," replied Terra. "It's sexy."   
  
"S-S-S-S-S-S-SEXY?!" gasped Cyan.  
  
"Yep," said Terra, as she placed her right hand on her hip and winked at him.  
  
*****   
  
Later that night………………….  
  
"What are you doing, Relm?" asked Strago, who had since cooled down.  
  
"I'm going to take Interceptor for a walk!" replied Relm, cheerfully.  
  
"But I just walked him two hours ago," said Strago.  
  
"But Grandpa," protested the little girl, "he's been running around in circles! I think he needs to make poopy-doops!"  
  
"Oh, all right," sighed Strago apathetically.   
  
Relm did her best to hide her joy as she took Interceptor down the stairs and out the door. Her favorite green-haired boy was waiting at the mansion.   
  
"Gau!" greeted Relm.  
  
"Gau not like old man. Old man Imperial Corporal," lamented Gau.  
  
"Totally!" giggled Relm. "Is that for Cyan tonight?" she asked, noticing the small bottle in his right hand.  
  
"No, that for royal dinner," replied Gau as he pulled another bottle from his pocket. "THIS for Cyan!"  
  
"What is it?" asked the curious girl.  
  
"This special hair dye. Same that Terra use!"  
  
Relm giggled, half-shocked and half excited.  
  
*****  
  
"Arrrgh!"  
  
Terra sat up in the bathtub she had been relaxing in. "Hmmmm……..that came from the inn again," mumbled Terra. She got out of the tub and dried herself off. She quickly put on her favorite red dress, with earrings to match. "Cyan's still upset about his face again," she smirked, "I better…………comfort him!"  
  
"You dyed your hair to impress me, didn't you?" declared Terra with a grin on her face.  
  
By now Cyan was so lost in shock he could not even speak. Terra took it as a yes.  
  
"Ooooh, Cyan……………."  
  
*****  
  
Relm sat depressed at the royal dining table, under the hawkish supervision of her grandfather. Gau was also there, of course, but Relm was not allowed to speak to him, or even look directly at his face. She was so depressed she didn't even touch her steak.  
  
King Edgar was discussing political issues with the adults at the table, making Relm so bored that she wanted to get up and run away.  
  
"Now," continued Edgar, "the reason why I have decided to raise the taxes is complicated and very hard to understand. First of all, the population of the castle has dropped due to…………………"  
  
All of a sudden, the whole table heard a strange noise coming from their king. A strange noise sounding like a motorcycle or a lawnmower, or perhaps maybe a chainsaw. The air suddenly became less breathable, and it didn't take the table long to find out what had happened.  
  
"Oh!" cried the entire table in unison. "Our good king has farted!" Edgar's face turned bright red.   
  
"The King of Hearts made a royal fart!" joked Locke.  
  
"A royal fart!" cried Sabin, hysterically.   
  
"From his royal ass!" added Locke.  
  
"And his royal anus!" added Mog.   
  
The laughter stopped right then and there. "You ruined it, Mog!" scolded Setzer, angrily.   
  
Meanwhile, Strago was glaring at Relm. "Did you do this?" demanded the old man.  
  
The two children simply broke out laughing.   
  
"I knew it!" yelled the enraged Strago. "You are in so much…………" Strago couldn't finish. He let out a hissing sound, and everyone was laughing again. Then Mog let out a little putt, intensifying the laughter.   
  
"What? It's what our farts sound like, kupo!"  
  
Celes was the next to let loose; she let out a long machine-gunner lasting ten seconds, sending the laughing table over the edge. Even the fact that she happened to be a nasty methane producer didn't end the laughing.  
  
"She does that all the time in her sleep," Locke managed to say through his laughter.   
  
Celes drew back her fist to punch him, but she let out an even longer machine-gunner fart, causing herself to nearly choke on her own laughter. Locke, already laughing his hardest, let out a loud squeak, inferior to that of his wife, but still able to cause little Sabin to laugh so hard he lost his dinner. The laughter came to a sudden and deathly halt.   
  
"Ew, Sabin!" complained his brother, "that's disgusting!"  
  
Then Setzer let out a trumpeter, and the entire table heard sounds resembling clanking metal.  
  
"Setzer!" cried Locke. "Please tell me you haven't been hiding coins in your pants again!"  
  
Setzer gave a guilty look.  
  
"Cheap bastard," remarked Locke.  
  
Meanwhile, Cyan and Terra sat at the end of the table, silent.   
  
"Cyan, you don't seem to be affected by the steak," observed Terra.  
  
"I be a vegetarian. And I think this even not be humorous!"  
  
"Wow!" exclaimed Terra with glee. "We have so much in common!"  
  
"It appears we do………." replied Cyan, and to Terra's surprise, she saw him smile for the first time ever.  
  
*****  
  
Some Time Later………………..  
  
"No!" bellowed Strago. "You are not sitting with that…………thing!" Unfortunately Relm was unable to free herself from the old man's grasp. She sadly sat down next to Strago in the third row.  
  
This was a very special event: the wedding of Cyan and Terra. The entire congregation stood in awe as Terra walked in her elegant wedding gown down the aisle, to the alter, where Cyan was standing Setzer, wearing a yarmulke, began the sermon in Hebrew.   
  
All of a sudden, Cyan's pants fell down, and Terra's wedding dress slipped off on its own. Relm suddenly gasped in surprise as she realized who was behind this. Everyone laughed at Cyan's "sword boxers," and all the men hooted and hollered at Terra's lacy red bra and red thong underwear.   
  
Through all the commotion, Relm pushed her way through the crowd. He had to be here. She had to keep up the pace, because her angry grandfather was a mere nine inches behind her, with his eyes literally red. Relm quickly leaped forward, out of Strago's grasp. She suddenly heard a thud, and felt a pair of hands grab her arm. She gulped, fearing she was caught. Sadly, she turned around to face Strago, and a pleasant surprise met her eyes. Strago was not holding onto her. Gau was. Relm let out a scream of joy and threw her arms around her wild boy's neck.   
  
"Gau miss Relm," said Gau.  
  
"Relm miss Gau," responded Relm, with a giggle.  
  
And before either of them could changes their minds, they pulled each other in for a soft kiss. Unbeknownst to either of them, they were standing on the fallen Strago, who had tripped over Gau's leg. And he was furious!  
  
~Fin~  
This fic is brought to you by the letter I, the number 69, and the letter U.  
  
This fic is also brought to you by the International Liars Club. If you're a young celebrity, and need to lie about your virginity, we're there for you………………even though we always fail.  
  
This fic is also also brought to you by all the suckers who still believe in love. This one's for you!  
  
This fic was NOT conceived, written, produced, or had anything to do with:  
  
Graham Chapman  
John Cleese  
Terry Gilliam  
Eric Idle  
Terry Jones  
  
or even  
  
Michael Palin   
  
Don't copy off this fic. Rhinos are nervous animals.  
This fic is dedicated to John Entwistle (1941-2002), whose song, "Someone's Coming," inspired it. 


End file.
